Things we believe to be true about Nick Swisher

When Nick Swisher eats breakfast with the guys, he will place a strip of bacon across his upper lip and try to get the attention of his teammates. “Hey, guys! Baconstache! …Hey.” He gestures again toward his mouth. “Baconstache.” Everyone pretends not to hear him.

Nick Swisher plays Mario Kart 64 against himself— alternating frantically between the two controllers — and always wins. He only chooses Toad and DK as his characters.

On weekends, Nick Swisher pretends to be the Terminal Tower. He wears a hat made of Christmas lights and he stands in Public Square, yelling, “I’m Tower City!”

Nick Swisher collects Now That’s What I Call Music! volumes, though he doesn’t particularly care for “the early years.”

Every time Nick Swisher crosses the Lorain-Carnegie bridge, he looks up at the Guardians of Traffic and winks. “You guys…” he says with a chuckle. “You guys…”

Nick Swisher only drinks peppermint-flavored coffee.

When asked what he’d like to be when he grows up, Nick Swisher replied: “Either a fireman or a velociraptor. Or both.”

Nick Swisher has a tattoo of an alligator on his left foot, and he’ll let you see it for nickel.

Nick Swisher’s favorite hobbies are “baking cookies, the forest, wind, and those little packages of crackers that come with soup.”

Nick Swisher has created an elaborate universe in an unpublished series of novels that is, essentially, a subterranean world inhabited only by spider-shaped Nick Swisher “replica bots.” He says that the books’ plot is a loose sendup of the Treaty of Paris and “its many political pitfalls.”

Nick Swisher was — and each year remains — the keynote speaker at the Association of Zoological Horticulture’s annual conference. He is permitted, via bylaw, to choose the event’s location. He always picks Orlando.

Sometimes Nick Swisher goes for long walks in the Metroparks. When he sees a bird, he yells, “Bird! Hey, bird! Bird! Yo! Yo, bird! Hey, bird! Hey! Bird! Bird!” Once, a sparrow bit his ear.

Nick Swisher does not use toilets. Rather, he prefers a potted houseplant be placed in every room he visits. When asked why by hotel concierges or baseball stadium personnel, Nick Swisher says, “Just. Listen, just please do this. I won’t ask for anything else.” Nick Swisher tends to ask for much more upon arrival.

Nick Swisher does not believe in peanuts.

Every year, Nick Swisher dresses up like Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park for Halloween.

Nick Swisher will tell you that he was one of the original MTV VJs, but he was not.

Nick Swisher likes to ask people what they think caviar actually is. When they reply “fish eggs,” Nick Swisher giggles quietly for a few minutes.

Nick Swisher is unsure of what he really thinks about magicians, but, he says, “there are some pretty good clowns out there. Yeah, I’ve seen some pretty good clowns.”

Nick Swisher mails in patent applications for “soap food” every month. The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office now has a form letter that explains in no uncertain terms to Nick Swisher that “eating soap does not constitute an invention.”

Nick Swisher likes to reenact that scene from Forrest Gump where Forrest Gump is lying prone and eating ice cream in the hospital. “Lieutenant Dan!” Nick Swisher cries out to his teammates, “Lieutenant Dan! Ice cream!”

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