“I vote for dogs. Simple as that. Every election: dogs. Big ones, little ones. Boxers. Bichons. Boxer-hound mixes, my personal favorite. Know why? Dogs are kind. They’re loving. They’re great. They build walls of toys, and then they tear them down. They nuzzle. They nuzzle! They love children, and they love the voiceless and oppressed among us. Their notion of power is skewed along canine lines only; otherwise, they’re equal-opportunity allies of all that is good in the world. What I mean to say is, listen, I’m not writing in Fido for mayor. (I may have done that once, alright? Back in ’17. Had to. I look out for my city.) No. I vote for people who support dogs. It may not come up in a debate, but you can tell right off the bat whether this guy or that gal supports dogs. It’s not a difficult call if you’re even halfway observant. I’m not saying that you need to go out and adopt a dog today. If you want to, sure, but I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that a basic litmus test could serve this country a hell of a lot better than social media rhetoric and political funding vehicles — PACs, they call them! I vote for PACKS. Simple as that. And if that’ll get you to the polls, so be it. Vote for dogs. They can’t vote! Poll workers don’t like to have to kick them out, but they’ll do it on Election Day. I’ve seen it! Help out a pooch, why don’t ya? Vote for somebody who supports dogs. You think this president even likes dogs? You think he wouldn’t kick a pug if it were sitting between him and a Filet-o-Fish? He’s a bloated ego. A fool! And your friends and mine voted him in! 63 million zombie Americans! A goddamned fool! Doesn’t even like dogs! You can fix that, though. We can all fix this shoddy worksmanship. Just need to patch it up real quick. Just need to vote for dogs in this election. Simple as that. That’s what I’ll be doing on Election Day. Thinking of Forrest and Petey and Josie and Sophie and all the dogs that ever lived when I cast my ballot. I vote for dogs. I also vote for prison reform and public lands. Simple as that.”
Sandy 